The Tortured Poets Department - Taylor Swift: Review

Review by Lav: 

The moment Taylor Swift's new album The Tortured Poets Department hit, it was lauded by numerous major critical outlets who, let's face it, got a copy in advance and likely wanted to maintain their positive relationship with Swift and her team going forward. Ever since then though, it's been an absolute barrage. Some of the nicer publications have pointed out that the record is a little on the long side and that Jack Antonoff's contributions continue to spark absolutely no joy. More honest critics have torn the album virtually to shreds for its awful lyrics and deeply formulaic melodies. So stepping into an album getting this much hate from all corners is a difficult position to be in and one I approach with trepidation. 

That's why it might surprise you to know, there were some things I liked about The Tortured Poets Department. 

Let's start with the title track. It was already burdened by a viral lyric about Charlie Puth that circulated from a leaked copy of the album. But honestly, that wouldn't even crack my top 25 worst lyrics on this album. I really like this song with its catchy refrains being dished out near constantly and a breezy blissful instrumental. The verses are full of details that actually add something to the song and I like all the references to writers and writing laced into it. 

Believe it or not, there's actually an entire sequence of songs on the record I kinda like later on. It starts with Fresh Out The Slammer which is pretty enjoyable aside from Taylor having absolutely no business saying the phrase "fresh out the slammer." I like the jangly guitars and chimes in the instrumental and the chorus is a nice dramatic moment. Florida features Florence Welch in one of the record's only two collaborations. It does start with a truly awful lyric about weed and little babies which kind of sounds like somebody trying to draw Anti Hero from memory. Thankfully the song has an explosive chorus and Florence's excellent second verse. Finally, there's Guilty As Sin a very 1989 sentimental romantic pop tune with a dreamy demeanor that I don't love, but can tolerate. 

If you put a gun to my head and made me, I could defend a few more songs on the record. Down Bad has some rough lyrical moments but it but she at least makes an attempt to reframe her actions as those of a petulant teenager. It's not a great cover story but it's an attempt which is more than most of the record has and I also like the bridge on the song a lot. 

I Can Fix Him has an awful title but it's easy to imagine Taylor reflecting on herself being an "I can fix him" type girl. She leans into some of the toxicity of it. It could have been a great moment on the record but she takes a complete cop-out approach to the finale by giving it one cheekily delivered line at the last second of the song. Part of me likes the closer Clara Bow because I appreciate the framing of a surprise journey to stardom. But at this point on the album and this point in her career hearing Taylor painting herself as the underdog made me physically ill.

Swifties, if you read this far, I genuinely thank you, but this should probably be the end of the road. I don't have a single positive thing to say about the rest of the album and I'm not going to be particularly nice about any of it. As somebody who has faced down the barrel of Swiftie hate a few times in the past, everything I've criticized her for is here on The Tortured Poets Department and it's worse than ever before. 

Let's start where it's simplest, Jack Antonoff is still here. It's hard to imagine any producer or songwriter who has faced more criticism in the past 5 years than him. Unfortunately, he may be at his all-time worst as a collaborator on this record. Opener Fortnight has an extremely out of place Post Malone feature and an awful 80s pastiche instrumental. My biggest complaint about the song isn't the lyrics this time but I will say "I took the miracle move-on drug, the effects were temporary" sounds like something Megan Trainor would write if she made a depression album. 

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys has these awful out-of-place drums that clunk away throughout the entirety of the song making it nearly unbearable. It also has a cringeworthy title that is made even worse by the sandcastle lyric in the chorus. I Can Do It With A Broken Heart is a contender for worst song on the entire album. It's got the worst hook Taylor has written since Bad Blood over this awful slinky synth line that stands out like the sorest of thumbs. Lyrical landmines are also absolutely everywhere you turn. When I hear her say "I'm miserable and nobody knows" it makes me want to uninstall Spotify. 

If you know ANYTHING about The Tortured Poets Department, it's the record's biggest and most notable flaw. The lyrics on this album are so genuinely, shockingly bad that I honestly think they will go down like St. Anger's drums. An easy way to get into it is with The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, which is bad in a way that I've heard Taylor Swift be bad dozens of times before. It's another song where she imagines that the entire universe is thinking about her at all times and there's some kind of romantic conspiracy to destroy her feelings. This one is bad, but not THAT much worse than any other time she's done this, though the "normal girls are boring" line is one of the most brutal self-disses I've ever heard. 

I've criticized Taylor for her awful lyrical moments over and over and over again. But normally there are at least some moments on her albums where she shows a lick of self-awareness and poise. This is still the same girl that wrote Exile, Getaway Car, and Style after all. But there is not one, single, song on this entire album that doesn't have at least one pure lyrical disaster, usually it's multiple. The Alchemy has one of the most viral ones, it's the "touch down" song that's really all you need to know. 

But Daddy I Love Him is another even more brazen attempt to recontextualize its cringey angst through a teenage lens. But I genuinely think even the edgiest of pre-teen diary poets would roll their eyes at how bad the lyrics here are. Part of framing your songwriting this way is about coming out on the other side with some kind of gained knowledge or perspective as a result and this song doesn't even attempt to do that.

While individual lyrics will get a lot of attention, the album is also conceptually quite bad at assembling meaningful songs. So Long, London and loml are two perfect examples. Both attempt to strip things down but they can't hide from the bad conceptualizing and songwriting underneath. loml is particular comes right after I Can Fix Him in the tracklist which feels like some kind of sick joke designed to sabotage the song. 

I don't like this record very much I think I've made that pretty clear. But there's bad, and then there's Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me?. This is the worst song on the album and honestly I think I can make the case that it's the worst song Taylor has ever made. This song really has everything that the record does wrong, but combined and made even worse. It's ceaselessly edgy with no attempt made by Taylor to give herself an excuse. In awful contrast, the instrumental is a sugary sweet number straight out of the Lover era save for this obviously embarrassing attempt to conjure up a swelling and dramatic hook. Taylor sounds completely awful while shouting the title lyric and there's just once disastrously bad lyric after another throughout the entire song. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to listen to as a music critic. 

So here we are. Whether you think I'm a Taylor Swift hater for bashing Lover and being mixed on Midnights, or you think I'm a Taylor apologist for loving folklore and having a soft spot for Reputation, I don't think anyone expected this. On The Tortured Poets Department, Taylor may very well have succeeded in establishing herself as the biggest artist on Earth. If that's truly the only thing she wanted, take a victory lap. But if she wanted to maintain her reputation as a good songwriter, continue her good favor with music critics, or most importantly release a good album, the success of this record is a complete disaster for her. 

Taylor Swift is too big to fail commercially, but she may have saved the absolute worst moment of her entire adult career so far for her peak of popularity. I listened to this album over and over again to make sure I wasn't overreacting. But it's hard to imagine the obvious and gaping flaws that plague it from start to finish ever being overlooked through even the thickest lens of nostalgia. So why hold my fire. The Tortured Poets Department is a total disaster. 3/10