Music To Be Murdered By - Eminem: Review
Review By Lavender:
Marshall Mathers AKA Eminem is a rapper from Detroit who got his career off to a fantastic start. Between 1999 and 2002 Eminem dropped three excellent records that you should definitely listen to. Since then Eminem has release no more good records and the quality of his albums have ranged from mediocre to some of the worst rap records of all time. His new album Music To Be Murdered By isn't terrible, and is better than his last two bad records. There are some great guest features and a handful of solid instrumentals from hip hop new and old. Unfortunately many of these tracks suffer from the same things Eminem's music has for decades. This album is full of terrible hooks, bad features from bad singers and Eminem's kooky rap styling and childish upset delivery. By far the worst thing about this record is that literally every song is overflowing with some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard on an actual rap album, so instead of breaking down these songs one by one I decided to just make a list of all the lyrics that were so awful they literally made me laugh out loud and let that speak for itself.
"Bitch, I'm still as fly as your zipper"
"Fans keep pulling me one way, haters pull me in another, I got more hooks in me than Swae Lee"
"Only way that you're ahead of me is alphabetically"
I think this one is particularly funny coming from somebody whose name starts with E.
"On my petty shit, but I don't paint toes"
The genius lyric annotator calls this bar clever which I think is even funnier than the bad line is in the first place.
"Call us liquid plumber, cause even Dre know"
"I'm contemplating yelling bombs away on the game like I'm outside an Ariana Grande concert"
"Shady like a shadow"
"I met your bitch on the internet, now I'm getting head like a pillow pet"
"Put her lips all the way around this bone and blow, Like a dusty cartridge from an old Nintendo"
"Run up in a church like pew pew pew"
"Think it's bout to fuzz, like a lint roller"
"Thought my name was B-Side, cause they flipped over my tape"
"I'll get to doing what a leaky faucet do, But I ain't talking drip when I say I'll get the drop on you"
"That's the shortest thing for a dress, since an addy"
"How you doin? You straight?, she said No I'm Bi"
"Like the gas in the tank, shes getting low on me"
"I'm like a candle, I'll go out if you blow me"
"Gettin head in the bucket, Marshmellow"
This one hurts.
"Call us Long John Silver's, cause we selfish"
This is an unfortunate one because the track In Too Deep goes almost the whole time without any trash bars and then he drops this one.
"If they sleepin on me, the hoes better get insomnia"
"I'm on point like my index is"
"Like a liar's pants, I'm on fire"
"I got em passin out, like when you hand someone flyers"
"They wanna give me the chair, like a paraplegic"
"I stack chips, you barely got a half-eaten Cheeto"
"Fill em with Venom and eliminate em"
This isn't that bad a lyric but it reminds me of one of the worst songs I've ever heard that Eminem made for the Venom movie"
"Some of them John Travolta, stayin alive by inches"
"Call em toy soldiers, cause they wind up on their backs"
"Life is like a penny, cause its only one percent"
This bar gets a little better with context but that doesn't make the setup any less corny.
"Only guts you had was from your stomach fat"
"Leave these pussies stretched out like Octomom"
This comes right after the second time on the record Eminem cosplays as a mass shooter for seemingly no reason at all which makes it even more out of taste"
This is the halfway point of the record just to give you some sense of how frequently these terrible bars come up, there are 10 more songs to go so strap in.
"I'm talking euthanasia, like kids in Taiwan"
"So many battery charges, this dudes like lithium ion"
"With all this A-B-C shit, I'm starting to sound like Alf a bit"
"It's time to go bat shit, like you accidentally ate a Louisville slugger"
"So all of y'all can just suck a penis, I'll do the opposite, eating you pussies like cunnilingus"
This bar has been written so many times before by middle schoolers on the bus.
"I get dough like Ed Sheeran, so call me the gingerbread man"
"I look up to myself, like a fucking headstand"
"I can't upcap it, cause it's childproof"
This one actually may be pretty fitting given the rest of the lyrics here.
"Bitch, I ball like a baby"
"Dressed like a Jedi at a Best Buy on the Westside"
"I'm hot dog"
"My flow apeshit, I go-rilla"
"Finna take you out like an outro"
"I'm gettin green, Incredible Hulk"
"Now all my Shady babies are stillborns, meaning abortions that live cause they were still born"
"Give me the cue like I'm Schoolboy"
This isn't a bad lyric but it is pretty corny given that Ab-Soul spit this exact bar like 5 years ago and did it way better.
"If I catch you sucking another dick, you better unsuck it"
This one makes me more curious than anything else.
"No way I'll get married, it'll take a rain cloud to wed us"
"Keep it a buck, like the dollar store"
"Time to start throwing some shade, this time I'm shutting the blinds"
These last few are particularly misplaced because they come in a song where Eminem references tons of classic hip hop legends and says that Biggie has possessed his pen.
So that is most of the trash ass lyrics that make up a huge portion of this record thank you for sticking with me the only thing I can imagine that is worse than reading all those lyrics is actually listening to the record three times in preparation to not even actually review it. 4.5/10
